Sean Connery is back and fulfilling his role as the sophisticated agent that is James Bond 007. How about we give a summary of the shiz that occurs during this movie.
First, we see a blonde guy stalking James Bond while ominous sound affects repeat.
Blondie pulls out the good old watch choker cable and after strangling Bond to death we find out it was all a charade; it turns out to be a training camp hell bent of the demise of James Bond.
Queue opening credits and scantily clad women dancing.
Now the movie begins, we arrive in Venice to witness a lovely game of chess between bug eye guy and some old guy. Take note because I think Bug eye guy becomes important (yes I'm writing this as I watch it.) Now, if you read about Dr No, you'll know I had an issue with the giant mutant fish, well this time we have Siamese fighting fish in the same tank - obviously fighting. I'm beginning to sense an ongoing fish theme.
The bug eye guy turns out to be a henchman for some more evil man. It would appear they are Russian. Now, I have to go back and watch the scene again because I was too busy typing. I heard something about Dr No and I have to figure out the connection.
Alright, so basically all these bad dudes work for the SPECTRE organisation, Dr No (from the first movie) was an agent of SPECTRE and the evil guys here (Kronsteen) are part of the same organisation. Kronsteen plans to obtain a device from the Soviets, sell it back to them and kill James Bond all at the same time. Number
3 (She's a baddie) hires "Red" Grant, whom she punches in the stomach - I have to admit, after the camera pans away from him, I did wonder if he doubled over in pain and cried "mommy".
At this point in time I don't know if I prefer Tatiana or Honey (Dr. No). Either way, they are both substantially better than the Sylvia, the girl Bond is then seen making out with in a canoe. Bond calls Miss Moneypenny (the receptionist at headquarters) and Sylvia does her best "I'm a controlling cow" impersonation while Bond converses with Moneypenny.
Ok, so Bond makes his way to headquarters where M (Bernard Lee) gives him his orders to head on over to Russia, this is where the equipment managers (known as Q) is called in to show off his gadgets. I love it when they talk gadgets!
"An ordinary black leather case with...20 rounds of ammunition...on the side here, flat throwing knife."
Which, if the case is opened incorrectly, could end quite badly. But it's what's inside the case that matters!
"Inside the case you will find an AR-7 folding snipers rifle, .25 calibre with an infrared telescopic sight"
(Keep in mind, I'm covering the movies and not the books; the AR-7 doesn't appear in the book...apparently)
Bond then makes his way to Russia, where apparently everyone looks like a variation of Freddy Mercury. Bond meets with Ali Kerim Bey, who it would appear is a member of British intelligence (the good guys). Bey's office is, however, bombed the very next day during which time Bey is getting it on with some lady with Vulcan eyebrows. Bey isn't hurt but apparently the Vulcan is left in hysterics. Fortunately they don't show her because she was annoying enough without ugly tears of hysterics, just the way she says “Ali Kerim Bey” is enough to make your skin crawl.
Bond and Bey make their way in a boat underground, making their way under the soviet consulate. where there is apparently a telescope, conveniently installed so that Bey could spy on the Soviets. Clearly this was before wireless cameras being hidden inside objects (if you watch Revenge, you'll understand).
They also don't have iPhones; they appear to have brick sized analogue phones that have no chance of fitting in your back pocket. But now we're at a gypsy village, queue dancing gypsy women. If you've ever watched "Big fat gypsy weddings" then scratch that portrayal of gypsies out of your head, these are more like Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame (Disney version) but with slightly less clothes. Which is of course followed by two Gypsy women wrestling/fighting/clawing for a good 2 minutes before a shootout occurs.
In the last movie, Bond was surprised by a giant spider. Yep, it was enough to make anyone squeal, this time however, Bond is greeted by Tatiana who has somehow found her way into Bonds bed. There is an awkward close up of Tatiana's mouth before Bond starts working his sexy-time moves on Tatiana. She plays is sex-kitten role all while SPECTRE watch through a hidden camera, which again, isn't really all that well concealed.
Use your imaginations for what happens next, because nothing smutty is shown. This was the 60's, they weren't about to go show sexy-times on the big screen and I'm not about to get my 50 Shade's of Grey on to write some descriptive detailing of what I think happened. Go get a Barbie and Ken doll, strip them naked and smash them against each other - that's all you really need to know.
We're now walking through some kind of museum and Bond is walking around rocking some very feminine looking ray bans. Tatiana walks in, places her compact mirror by a pillar and some French looking guy goes to retrieve it. However Frenchie meets his maker after Grant beats him...which according to Bond is no big deal because it saves him some hard work.
Inside Tatiana's compact is a map of a building in which the device mentioned at the beginning is being kept. It's at this point that Bey says 'hey so why are we trusting this broad, she might be lying', he doesn't really use those words, but that's basically what he meant to say.
Bond is suddenly aboard a boat, rocking his femi-bans (my new word for feminine looking ray bans) and sporting an old school camera - there's no digital cameras people, we're talking box style cameras.
Tatiana meets Bond and agrees to give him the information he wants. The device he is after is the size of a typewriter and weights as much as 10kg. Tatiana does her desperate face and makes a few pleas, she also begs him to make love to her which is really awkward because British intelligence are listening in, including Moneypenny who is asked to leave the room. She goes out to her reception area to sneakily listen in on the conversation Tatiana is having with Bond (she's apparently just as enthralled as the men of British Intelligence) however, M knows she is listening in and ruins her housewife porn by telling her to take a note.
Bond obtains the device he required - thanks to another bomb blowing up the building. Enter swarm of rats - really? First it was spiders and now it's a swarm of rats, what next? Bee's? Dogs? Dogs with Bee's in their mouths? (name that reference!)
Bond, Bey and Tatiana escape through a hidden passage and make their way to a train. For a split second, Tatiana looks like Blake Lively.
But...DUN DUN DUN, Grant (apparently the only Blonde Russian to exist) is on the train. Bond refers to Tatiana as "Tania", I'm not sure if he had done that previously or if it was a slip, but at this point he should actually be calling her "Caroline" because it's the secret identity whilst they are escaping. Bond then surprises Tatiana with a hideously old fashion night gown; it's pretty for an antique. Bey then gets his creepy on by walking in on Tatiana and saying "Charming" in an absurdly perverted manner.
Fun fact here, Tatiana is actually played by two actresses! One as Tatiana herself and the other as the voice over. Can't quite figure out why she was overdubbed, but it could have something to do with the actress playing Tatiana being Italian and not Russian. She was also the youngest Bond Girl (21)
James then figures out Tatiana is up to no good and gets his woman-hating on by slapping "Tania", who declares her love for 007. Sure, they have sexy-time and run away from a couple of bad guys, but apparently she is in love with him. Ok, no big deal there.
Along the way Grant poses as an agent sent by M. Put it would appear that Bond is on to him from the get go. Grant drugs Tatiana over dinner, but like I said earlier Bond is onto him and confronts him in the train cabin. But he (Bond) slips up and gets belted over the back of the head with Grants gun. After he regains consciousness, Bond works out exactly who Grant is.
It's at this point that we find out that Bond thought he was fighting SMERSH (soviet counterintelligence agency) but in actual fact he was dealing with SPECTRE (Counterintelligence, terrorism, revenge etc). Basically SMERSH are being pitted against the British intelligence agency by SPECTRE and SPECTRE are masterminding this whole shiz in order to obtain a Lektor cryptographic device apparently to make money and get revenge on James Bond for that whole Dr. No situation.
In the end, Bond partakes in a little hand to hand combat with Grant, a few fake punches and that handy little briefcase flip knife later, Grant is dead. Bye Blondie!
Apparently SPECTRE aren't all that forgiving toward their failed operatives. Number 3 (Klebb a.k.a Coke bottle classes) and Bug Eye (from the chess game) are called in to speak to Number 1 (Head of SPECTRE) and 1 has Bug eye killed. Number 3 gets a second chance - she disguises herself as a maid and enters Bonds Venice based hotel room to steal the device, Tatiana recognizes Number 3 and once she pulls a gun on him Bond recognizes her too. Number 3 fights with Bond, Tatiana shoots her and Number 3 does her best impersonation of someone dying. Seriously if the coke bottle glasses weren't funny enough, her dying was just as (if not more) hilarious!
So here’s all the little things you need to know:
James Bond –Sean Connery
Tatiana Romanova (The Bond Girl)- Daniela Bianchi (Voiced by Barbra Jefford)
Bernard Lee – M
Weapon of Choice
AR-7 folding snipers rifle, .25 calibre with an infrared telescopic sight. This is concealed inside a briefcase which also holds a flip knife, ammunition and a few other gadgets
Car of choice
Only appears briefly, but it is a Bently Mark IV
Quotes of Choice
None, because I wasn’t that inspired by any of them.