07 February 2013

A Girls Guide to James Bond: Gold Finger

Oh Mr Connery, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t missed you. Readers, our dear 007 has returned in Goldfinger. Make yourselves comfortable and lets get started!


In the previous two movies, the beginning has been slightly dull and uneventful. From the beginning of Goldfinger however, things are done a bit differently. I assume this is the first of the James Bond movies that starts off with, quite literally, a bang. After blowing up a warehouse filled with Nitro, Bond (Connery is still the man in the suit) makes out with a girl and finds himself in a brawl. So I guess we're trying to pack as much punch in the first 2 and a half minutes as we can. Sounds like a plan.

As I mentioned, Sean Connery is back; well he never actually went anywhere, this is his 3rd appearance as Bond and this is only the third movie. Clap Clap to me for working that out.

After the opening song, a gentleman by the name of Felix tells Bond about this gentleman by the name of Goldfinger. Bond then realizes Goldfinger is cheating at a card game and goes to foil that plan - during which time he meets Jill Masterson, a pretty blonde thing that naturally finds her way into Bonds bed. It's getting to the stage we're women just say "hi" and in the very next scene they're going at it. Because you know, wearing a onesie made out of towel material is totally attractive and will get any woman to drop her pants. Forget the roses this Valentines day! Women want to see a man in a onesie!

Ok, so this is wear the plot thickens because after going at it, Bond heads to the kitchen where he is knocked unconscious by some dude in a hat. When he wakes up, Bond finds Jill painted gold and surprise surprise - dead.

Moneypenny is back in the office and just so you know Moneypenny is totally James’ wife in another life and he knows it - this is all unofficial and off the record - it's just what I think of Moneypenny. She's the girl you settle down and marry; Bond knows it just as much as I do.

Back on the record! After speaking to some old guys, Bond is off to see Q; you know Q, he's the guy that has the goods! And now we're talking; this is what I love, the guns, the cars and the gizmo's. Alright so here we go the car of choice is an Aston Martin DB5 in silver and it is a delicious looking car, you heard me, delicious! These movies are why I love Aston Martin's! Now this baby has modifications, so in Q's words "
Pay Attention Please"

”Windscreen - Bulletproof, as are the side and rear windows. Revolving license plate, naturally; valid all countries. Here's a nice little transmitting device called a homer, you prime it by pressing it back like this, you see? The smaller model is now standard field issue, to be fitted into the heel of your shoe.  Its larger brother is magnetic."
Aston Martin DB5

"Reception on the dashboard, here.Audio-visual range a hundred and fifty miles."

(Details via a script I found through google)

Alright so lets break this down - the car is bullet proof, it can release oil slicks and pressing a button will eject the passenger seat. It contains bullets and an old school GPS type thing which doesn't actually tell you where you are going but it has no problem telling you where everyone else is going. Fantastic. But you know what I haven't see; a gun, I haven't seen a gun which means we're either sticking with Bonds stock standard Walther PPK which is his issued sidearm which he carries for at least 4 more movies or he’ll steal someone else’s later on (I vote for both).

Side note: Oh my god golf is boring. Bond beats Goldfinger at golf and everyone is happy.

Side note 2: Goldfinger drives a Rolls-Royce Phantom 3 37 which would be lovely if it were in a different colour.

Now, Goldfinger’s awfully creepy caddie/drive is a) Creepy and b) wearing a hat. Just saying.

I'm trying to keep these summaries short and sweet instead of going through a detail analysis of everything second of the movie! It's my job to watch these movies so that other people don't have to. I mean I love James Bond, not to the point that I'd take off my clothes for him like half these girls seem to feel the need to do, but I have no problem watching all of the movies ten times over; but I'm well aware that there are some girls (an probably some guys) that don't really want to watch Bond but are sick of hearing about Bond yet don't want to stand there looking clueless during a James Bond themed dinner party when someone asks "What's your favourite Bond vehicle". See I have my uses.

This is the first movie that contains multiple Bond girls, one of which is Pussy Galore and the others are Jill Masterson and Tilly Masterson. Tilly Masterson is perhaps the best looking of all the Bond girls so far. Just saying.

Now if you've wondered where Pussy Galore came from or if you've ever wondered who she is every time people crack jokes about Pussy Galore, she's from this movie. Remember in the last movie how I didn't really like Tatiana Romanov over Honey Ryder; well now we can start a rank because we've got 3 bond girls under our belt -

#1 Tilly Masterson
#2 Honey Ryder
#3 Tatiana Romanov
#4 Pussy Galore
#5 Jill Masterson (arguably she died before I had a chance to get to know her)

There is also quite a well known car chase in the movie which at one point has Bond driving toward a mirror thinking he is playing chicken, unfortunately he is actually driving toward his reflection and only realizes at the very last moment. Can we all take this time to mourn the loss of that beautiful car.

Goldfinger has Bond right where he needs him: laying on a table with a giant laser pointed at his overused man parts. It's at this point that I side slightly with Goldfinger, I mean DUDE if you screw anymore women, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before your man parts fall off. But just so the general public is aware: no, he gets to keep his man parts after convincing Goldfinger that he needs him (Bond) alive.

Enter Pussy Galore.

Now, make up your own mind; who would you kiss, marry or do the dirty with? Jill, Tilly or Pussy?



Oh and queue my favourite line

"Martini, shaken not stirred"

And wow, it's been a quick journey because we're apparently half way through the movie already!

Ugg Goldfinger bores me. Least threatening bad guy ever! He just wants to rob Fort Knox and have a couple of million dollars. Seriously? Well, won't tell him how to do his job or whatever but I'm pretty sure this dude hangs out with Dr Evil in the cafeteria because all the other bad guys are a) At the Cooler table and b) Have more awesome evil plans.

Now, it's important to know that during a bit of a....I don't even know what it was...it was play fighting that sort of resembled a rape scene of some kind, but never the less, Bond seduces Pussy Galore...and everything sort of falls into place from here on....Obviously PG is going to somehow help Bond save the day and everyone is happy, except for PG because lets face it, once Bond has had his fun in the movie we'll never see her again...Nor will he.

PG does in fact fly her plane over Fort Knox to release some gas that basically kills everyone. Issue with this scene - it's worse than the fish scene from Dr No. Actually scratch that, nothing is worse than the fish scene from Dr No...but basically all the soldiers are required to pass out and boy do they make passing out look awkward! It's like "I'm going to fall to my knees, then realise that the actor in front of me has passed out in the space in front of me so I'm going to stall and then fall backwards, but then shift uncomfortably until I can lay down properly" SERIOUSLY? Just pass the f*** out! Go from standing up, to laying down; it's not hard! It'll hurt yes, but f*** you're an actor, work it out! I mean I know they were just fake passing out (because PG didn't REALLY set off the gas...the soldiers were warned and therefore had to pass out on queue) but seriously, if you're trying to fool the bad guy into thinking you've been affected by a toxic gas, at least ACT like you've been affected by the toxic gas!

And so basically we're coming to the end and all you need to know is this - Goldfinger was going to set off a radioactive device in Fort Knox which would make the gold radioactive and therefore the price of gold would go up (because apparently it's the only gold in America/THE WORLD and therefore if no one can touch it for 50+ years, it's considered more valuable). Goldfinger makes the mistake of carrying Bond around like a puppy and so he gets the opportunity to seduce the henchwoman who inevitable switches to the goodside to help foil the plan in which Bond can then open a can of whoop-ass on the most unevil-evil dude I've ever seen in a movie.

Anywho - all the soldiers wake up from their fake-pass-y-outy-ness and you know...shoot everyone.

I'm just going to come out and say it - least favourite Bond thus far. It was only a matter of time.











So here’s all the little things you need to know:
James Bond – Sean Connery

Pussy Galore – Honor Blackman

Gert Frobe – Goldfinger
Bernard Lee – M


Theme Song
Composed by John Barry
Lyrics by Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley
Performe by Shirley Bassey

Movie released on 18 September 1964
Cost of production was $3million and made $124.9 million in the box office.

Bond Girls
Pussy Galore, Tilly Masterson and Jill Masterson

Weapon of Choice
Walther PPK

Car of Choice
Silver Aston Martin DB5

Quote of Choice
Martini. Shaken, not stirred”

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