18 February 2013

That time the dog ran away

For the sake of his privacy, the dog in this story has requested that I not use his real name and would rather be known as ‘Einstein’. He has requested this name in order to pay homage to his hero Einstein; not to be confused with the scientific genius that is Albert Einstein, but rather, the dog from Back to the Future.

This is ‘Einstein’ on Christmas.


Now as a bit of a background to the events that occurred, my story starts with my house. Over recent months, the weather has fluctuated quite dramatically and with this fluctuation it has meant my house has shifted slightly, resulting in squeaky doors and a front door that doesn’t quite work how a front door should.

My front door has a habit of opening on it’s own accord. I’m not saying you can track me down, enter my house, steal all my health food, search through my underwear drawer and watch me sleep but and under the right conditions, the door can blow open.

Fast forward to last night, or this morning rather, when I was woken by a boogie monster telling me “The front door is open and ‘Einstein’ has gone”. I’m sorry to the person who I have referred to as the boogie monster, but at 4.30 in the morning being pulled out of a deep sleep renders most people unable to distinguish the difference between human and boogie monster.

As a side note, the previous night, I heard ‘tardis-like’ noises which then rendered me unable to sleep for at least an hour because once I hear tardis-like noises, I don’t automatically think “Ooo The Doctor has come for me”, but rather “Oh crap, remember that episode with the weeping angels….Oh crap remember that episode with Rory and Amy and the angels…Oh crap, what if the angels are outside right now” and so on and so forth.

Any who, once my brain processed the information the boogie monster had given me I ran over to the wardrobe and threw on what ever I could find OVER my sleep wear, which would have looked perfectly normal except for the fact that the dress was shorter than my sleepwear and I chose to wear pink thongs (flip-flops).

So basically at 4.30 in the morning, I looked like a hot mess. 

(And yes, there were cars on the road at that hour who would have gotten a glance at my stylish ensemble and seen me fighting to keep either the dress or my sleep wear at a reasonable length in order to prevent my underwear being seen)

Ever wondered if your dog was plotting to kill you? Me neither.

Now, I got to the end of my street and just so everyone is aware: there are about 10 different ways ‘Einstein’ could have gone; making this whole task quite daunting. I reached the end of my street and thought “Well crap, which way would I go if I were a dog?”. (Un)Fortunately, I turned to go the wrong way, I got about 5 steps and thought this is ridiculous, and turned to go back and get my car in order to drive around the neighbourhood.

(Editors note: I say ‘fortunately’ because what if I had gone the right way and missed him by a minute? Maybe my wrong turn caused the right time delay!)

As I turned around to head back toward my street, two things happened. 1) The boogie monster started calling me and 2) I spotted a large animal wandering around in the distance.

Before the boogie monster had said anything, I said “I’ve got him, well I don’t ‘got him’ but I see him and I just need to get to him” and then proceeded at 4.35 in the morning to yell out his name. Which, in hindsight if his name really was ‘Einstein’ would have been pretty hilarious. Come to think of it, I wish the person who named him had severe-swearing-tourrets-syndrome because yelling out “You F***ing Stupid F***ing Crap” at that hour would have been AWESOME.

Anyway, so I yell out to him and this dog freezes like a deer in the headlights. He just stood there like a moron until I got close enough and he realized who the hell I was, why I was yelling his named and why I was saying “Come ‘ere” like an idiot. This dog doesn’t always come when he is called, so I figured if I made it sound like I wanted to play a game, the chances of him coming toward me were more likely. If I yelled at him like he was in trouble, he would have said “Hell to the no” and ran off in the opposite direction (I would).

Now, this is where things got scary for me because this dog has obviously been out for a while and is terrified because once he saw me, it was like he had seen a cat covered in chocolate because he start bolting toward me at top speed with a stupid grin on his face. As he got closer I thought to myself “F***, he isn’t slowing down. F*** he’s heading straight for me” and I went into fight or flight mode and for a split second I considered running in the opposite direction.

Fortunately however, I stood my ground and now ‘Einstein’ is back where he belongs.

Yay for happy endings.


Although this now makes me wonder if I should start my own dog-finding company. I’ve found 2 dogs in the past and had them returned to their owners safely. ‘Einstein’ takes my dog finding abilities to the total of 3.

So, note to all (specifically me):
Check your doors, Make sure your dog is wearing his tags at all time and keep several items of clothing ready just incase you have to run out the door at ‘what the bleeding hell o’clock’ in the morning.

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