A Girls Guide to James Bond: Gold Finger

Oh Mr Connery, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t missed you. Readers, our dear 007 has returned in Goldfinger. Make yourselves comfortable and lets get started!

In the previous two movies, the beginning has been slightly dull and uneventful. From the beginning of Goldfinger however, things are done a bit differently. I assume this is the first of the James Bond movies that starts off with, quite literally, a bang. After blowing up a warehouse filled with Nitro, Bond (Connery is still the man in the suit) makes out with a girl and finds himself in a brawl. So I guess we're trying to pack as much punch in the first 2 and a half minutes as we can. Sounds like a plan.

As I mentioned, Sean Connery is back; well he never actually went anywhere, this is his 3rd appearance as Bond and this is only the third movie. Clap Clap to me for working that out.

After the opening song, a gentleman by the name of Felix tells Bond about this gentleman by the name of Goldfinger. Bond then realizes Goldfinger is cheating at a card game and goes to foil that plan - during which time he meets Jill Masterson, a pretty blonde thing that naturally finds her way into Bonds bed. It's getting to the stage we're women just say "hi" and in the very next scene they're going at it. Because you know, wearing a onesie made out of towel material is totally attractive and will get any woman to drop her pants. Forget the roses this Valentines day! Women want to see a man in a onesie!

Ok, so this is wear the plot thickens because after going at it, Bond heads to the kitchen where he is knocked unconscious by some dude in a hat. When he wakes up, Bond finds Jill painted gold and surprise surprise - dead.

Moneypenny is back in the office and just so you know Moneypenny is totally James’ wife in another life and he knows it - this is all unofficial and off the record - it's just what I think of Moneypenny. She's the girl you settle down and marry; Bond knows it just as much as I do.

Back on the record! After speaking to some old guys, Bond is off to see Q; you know Q, he's the guy that has the goods! And now we're talking; this is what I love, the guns, the cars and the gizmo's. Alright so here we go the car of choice is an Aston Martin DB5 in silver and it is a delicious looking car, you heard me, delicious! These movies are why I love Aston Martin's! Now this baby has modifications, so in Q's words "Pay Attention Please"

”Windscreen - Bulletproof, as are the side and rear windows. Revolving license plate, naturally; valid all countries. Here's a nice little transmitting device called a homer, you prime it by pressing it back like this, you see? The smaller model is now standard field issue, to be fitted into the heel of your shoe.  Its larger brother is magnetic."

"Reception on the dashboard, here.Audio-visual range a hundred and fifty miles."

(Details via a script I found through google)

Alright so lets break this down - the car is bullet proof, it can release oil slicks and pressing a button will eject the passenger seat. It contains bullets and an old school GPS type thing which doesn't actually tell you where you are going but it has no problem telling you where everyone else is going. Fantastic. But you know what I haven't see; a gun, I haven't seen a gun which means we're either sticking with Bonds stock standard Walther PPK which is his issued sidearm which he carries for at least 4 more movies or he’ll steal someone else’s later on (I vote for both).

Side note: Oh my god golf is boring. Bond beats Goldfinger at golf and everyone is happy.

Side note 2: Goldfinger drives a Rolls-Royce Phantom 3 37 which would be lovely if it were in a different colour.

Now, Goldfinger’s awfully creepy caddie/drive is a) Creepy and b) wearing a hat. Just saying.

I'm trying to keep these summaries short and sweet instead of going through a detail analysis of everything second of the movie! It's my job to watch these movies so that other people don't have to. I mean I love James Bond, not to the point that I'd take off my clothes for him like half these girls seem to feel the need to do, but I have no problem watching all of the movies ten times over; but I'm well aware that there are some girls (an probably some guys) that don't really want to watch Bond but are sick of hearing about Bond yet don't want to stand there looking clueless during a James Bond themed dinner party when someone asks "What's your favourite Bond vehicle". See I have my uses.

This is the first movie that contains multiple Bond girls, one of which is Pussy Galore and the others are Jill Masterson and Tilly Masterson. Tilly Masterson is perhaps the best looking of all the Bond girls so far. Just saying.

Now if you've wondered where Pussy Galore came from or if you've ever wondered who she is every time people crack jokes about Pussy Galore, she's from this movie. Remember in the last movie how I didn't really like Tatiana Romanov over Honey Ryder; well now we can start a rank because we've got 3 bond girls under our belt -

#1 Tilly Masterson
#2 Honey Ryder
#3 Tatiana Romanov
#4 Pussy Galore
#5 Jill Masterson (arguably she died before I had a chance to get to know her)

There is also quite a well known car chase in the movie which at one point has Bond driving toward a mirror thinking he is playing chicken, unfortunately he is actually driving toward his reflection and only realizes at the very last moment. Can we all take this time to mourn the loss of that beautiful car.

Goldfinger has Bond right where he needs him: laying on a table with a giant laser pointed at his overused man parts. It's at this point that I side slightly with Goldfinger, I mean DUDE if you screw anymore women, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before your man parts fall off. But just so the general public is aware: no, he gets to keep his man parts after convincing Goldfinger that he needs him (Bond) alive.

Enter Pussy Galore.

Now, make up your own mind; who would you kiss, marry or do the dirty with? Jill, Tilly or Pussy?

 

Oh and queue my favourite line

"Martini, shaken not stirred"

And wow, it's been a quick journey because we're apparently half way through the movie already!

Ugg Goldfinger bores me. Least threatening bad guy ever! He just wants to rob Fort Knox and have a couple of million dollars. Seriously? Well, won't tell him how to do his job or whatever but I'm pretty sure this dude hangs out with Dr Evil in the cafeteria because all the other bad guys are a) At the Cooler table and b) Have more awesome evil plans.

Now, it's important to know that during a bit of a....I don't even know what it was...it was play fighting that sort of resembled a rape scene of some kind, but never the less, Bond seduces Pussy Galore...and everything sort of falls into place from here on....Obviously PG is going to somehow help Bond save the day and everyone is happy, except for PG because lets face it, once Bond has had his fun in the movie we'll never see her again...Nor will he.

PG does in fact fly her plane over Fort Knox to release some gas that basically kills everyone. Issue with this scene - it's worse than the fish scene from Dr No. Actually scratch that, nothing is worse than the fish scene from Dr No...but basically all the soldiers are required to pass out and boy do they make passing out look awkward! It's like "I'm going to fall to my knees, then realise that the actor in front of me has passed out in the space in front of me so I'm going to stall and then fall backwards, but then shift uncomfortably until I can lay down properly" SERIOUSLY? Just pass the f*** out! Go from standing up, to laying down; it's not hard! It'll hurt yes, but f*** you're an actor, work it out! I mean I know they were just fake passing out (because PG didn't REALLY set off the gas...the soldiers were warned and therefore had to pass out on queue) but seriously, if you're trying to fool the bad guy into thinking you've been affected by a toxic gas, at least ACT like you've been affected by the toxic gas!

And so basically we're coming to the end and all you need to know is this - Goldfinger was going to set off a radioactive device in Fort Knox which would make the gold radioactive and therefore the price of gold would go up (because apparently it's the only gold in America/THE WORLD and therefore if no one can touch it for 50+ years, it's considered more valuable). Goldfinger makes the mistake of carrying Bond around like a puppy and so he gets the opportunity to seduce the henchwoman who inevitable switches to the goodside to help foil the plan in which Bond can then open a can of whoop-ass on the most unevil-evil dude I've ever seen in a movie.

Anywho - all the soldiers wake up from their fake-pass-y-outy-ness and you know...shoot everyone.

I'm just going to come out and say it - least favourite Bond thus far. It was only a matter of time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So here’s all the little things you need to know:
James Bond – Sean Connery

Pussy Galore – Honor Blackman

Gert Frobe – Goldfinger
Bernard Lee – M

 

Theme Song
Composed by John Barry
Lyrics by Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley
Performe by Shirley Bassey

Details
Movie released on 18 September 1964
Cost of production was $3million and made $124.9 million in the box office.

Bond Girls
Pussy Galore, Tilly Masterson and Jill Masterson

Weapon of Choice
Walther PPK

Car of Choice
Silver Aston Martin DB5

Quote of Choice
”Martini. Shaken, not stirred”

A Girls Guide to James Bond: From Russia with Love

Sean Connery is back and fulfilling his role as the sophisticated agent that is James Bond 007. How about we give a summary of the shiz that occurs during this movie.

First, we see a blonde guy stalking  James Bond while ominous sound affects repeat.

Blondie pulls out the good old watch choker cable and after strangling Bond to death we find out it was all a charade; it turns out to be a training camp hell bent of the demise of James Bond.

Queue opening credits and scantily clad women dancing.

Now the movie begins, we arrive in Venice to witness a lovely game of chess between bug eye guy and some old guy. Take note because I think Bug eye guy becomes important (yes I'm writing this as I watch it.) Now, if you read about Dr No, you'll know I had an issue with the giant mutant fish, well this time we have Siamese fighting fish in the same tank - obviously fighting. I'm beginning to sense an ongoing fish theme.

The bug eye guy turns out to be a henchman for some more evil man. It would appear they are Russian. Now, I have to go back and watch the scene again because I was too busy typing. I heard something about Dr No and I have to figure out the connection.

Alright, so basically all these bad dudes work for the SPECTRE organisation, Dr No (from the first movie) was an agent of SPECTRE and the evil guys here (Kronsteen) are part of the same organisation. Kronsteen plans to obtain a device from the Soviets, sell it back to them and kill James Bond all at the same time. Number

3 (She's a baddie) hires "Red" Grant, whom she punches in the stomach - I have to admit, after the camera pans away from him, I did wonder if he doubled over in pain and cried "mommy".

She then obtains the services of Tatiana Romanova (Daniela Bianchi), can we just take a moment to admire the awesomeness that is Agent 3's coke bottle glasses.

At this point in time I don't know if I prefer Tatiana or Honey (Dr. No). Either way, they are both substantially better than the Sylvia, the girl Bond is then seen making out with in a canoe. Bond calls Miss Moneypenny (the receptionist at headquarters) and Sylvia does her best "I'm a controlling cow" impersonation while Bond converses with Moneypenny.

Ok, so Bond makes his way to headquarters where M (Bernard Lee) gives him his orders to head on over to Russia, this is where the equipment managers (known as Q) is called in to show off his gadgets. I love it when they talk gadgets!

"An ordinary black leather case with...20 rounds of ammunition...on the side here, flat throwing knife."

Which, if the case is opened incorrectly, could end quite badly. But it's what's inside the case that matters!

"Inside the case you will find an AR-7 folding snipers rifle, .25 calibre with an infrared telescopic sight"

(Keep in mind, I'm covering the movies and not the books; the AR-7 doesn't appear in the book...apparently)

Bond then makes his way to Russia, where apparently everyone looks like a variation of Freddy Mercury. Bond meets with  Ali Kerim Bey, who it would appear is a member of British intelligence (the good guys). Bey's office is, however, bombed the very next day during which time Bey is getting it on with some lady with Vulcan eyebrows. Bey isn't hurt but apparently the Vulcan is left in hysterics. Fortunately they don't show her because she was annoying enough without ugly tears of hysterics, just the way she says “Ali Kerim Bey” is enough to make your skin crawl.

Bond and Bey make their way in a boat underground, making their way under the soviet consulate. where there is apparently a telescope, conveniently installed so that Bey could spy on the Soviets. Clearly this was before wireless cameras being hidden inside objects (if you watch Revenge, you'll understand).

They also don't have iPhones; they appear to have brick sized analogue phones that have no chance of fitting in your back pocket. But now we're at a gypsy village, queue dancing gypsy women. If you've ever watched "Big fat gypsy weddings" then scratch that portrayal of gypsies out of your head, these are more like Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame (Disney version) but with slightly less clothes. Which is of course followed by two Gypsy women wrestling/fighting/clawing for a good 2 minutes before a shootout occurs.

In the last movie, Bond was surprised by a giant spider. Yep, it was enough to make anyone squeal, this time however, Bond is greeted by Tatiana who has somehow found her way into Bonds bed. There is an awkward close up of Tatiana's mouth before Bond starts working his sexy-time moves on Tatiana. She plays is sex-kitten role all while SPECTRE watch through a hidden camera, which again, isn't really all that well concealed.

Use your imaginations for what happens next, because nothing smutty is shown. This was the 60's, they weren't about to go show sexy-times on the big screen and I'm not about to get my 50 Shade's of Grey on to write some descriptive detailing of what I think happened. Go get a Barbie and Ken doll, strip them naked and smash them against each other - that's all you really need to know.

We're now walking through some kind of museum and Bond is walking around rocking some very feminine looking ray bans. Tatiana walks in, places her compact mirror by a pillar and some French looking guy goes to retrieve it. However Frenchie meets his maker after Grant beats him...which according to Bond is no big deal because it saves him some hard work.

Inside Tatiana's compact is a map of a building in which the device mentioned at the beginning is being kept. It's at this point that Bey says 'hey so why are we trusting this broad, she might be lying', he doesn't really use those words, but that's basically what he meant to say.

Bond is suddenly aboard a boat, rocking his femi-bans (my new word for feminine looking ray bans) and sporting an old school camera - there's no digital cameras people, we're talking box style cameras.

Tatiana meets Bond and agrees to give him the information he wants. The device he is after is the size of a typewriter and weights as much as 10kg. Tatiana does her desperate face and makes a few pleas, she also begs him to make love to her which is really awkward because British intelligence are listening in, including Moneypenny who is asked to leave the room. She goes out to her reception area to sneakily listen in on the conversation Tatiana is having with Bond (she's apparently just as enthralled as the men of British Intelligence) however, M knows she is listening in and ruins her housewife porn by telling her to take a note.

Bond obtains the device he required - thanks to another bomb blowing up the building. Enter swarm of rats - really? First it was spiders and now it's a swarm of rats, what next? Bee's? Dogs? Dogs with Bee's in their mouths? (name that reference!)

Bond, Bey and Tatiana escape through a hidden passage and make their way to a train. For a split second, Tatiana looks like Blake Lively.

But...DUN DUN DUN, Grant (apparently the only Blonde Russian to exist) is on the train. Bond refers to Tatiana as "Tania", I'm not sure if he had done that previously or if it was a slip, but at this point he should actually be calling her "Caroline" because it's the secret identity whilst they are escaping. Bond then surprises Tatiana with a hideously old fashion night gown; it's pretty for an antique. Bey then gets his creepy on by walking in on Tatiana and saying "Charming" in an absurdly perverted manner.

Fun fact here, Tatiana is actually played by two actresses! One as Tatiana herself and the other as the voice over. Can't quite figure out why she was overdubbed, but it could have something to do with the actress playing Tatiana being Italian and not Russian. She was also the youngest Bond Girl (21)

James then figures out Tatiana is up to no good and gets his woman-hating on by slapping "Tania", who declares her love for 007. Sure, they have sexy-time and run away from a couple of bad guys, but apparently she is in love with him. Ok, no big deal there.

Along the way Grant poses as an agent sent by M. Put it would appear that Bond is on to him from the get go. Grant drugs Tatiana over dinner, but like I said earlier Bond is onto him and confronts him in the train cabin. But he (Bond) slips up and gets belted over the back of the head with Grants gun. After he regains consciousness, Bond works out exactly who Grant is.

It's at this point that we find out that Bond thought he was fighting SMERSH (soviet counterintelligence agency) but in actual fact he was dealing with SPECTRE (Counterintelligence, terrorism, revenge etc). Basically SMERSH are being pitted against the British intelligence agency by SPECTRE and SPECTRE are masterminding this whole shiz in order to obtain a  Lektor cryptographic device apparently to make money and get revenge on James Bond for that whole Dr. No situation.

In the end, Bond partakes in a little hand to hand combat with Grant, a few fake punches and that handy little briefcase flip knife later, Grant is dead. Bye Blondie!
Apparently SPECTRE aren't all that forgiving toward their failed operatives. Number 3 (Klebb a.k.a Coke bottle classes) and Bug Eye (from the chess game) are called in to speak to Number 1 (Head of SPECTRE) and 1 has Bug eye killed. Number 3 gets a second chance - she disguises herself as a maid and enters Bonds Venice based hotel room to steal the device, Tatiana recognizes Number 3 and once she pulls a gun on him Bond recognizes her too. Number 3 fights with Bond, Tatiana shoots her and Number 3 does her best impersonation of someone dying. Seriously if the coke bottle glasses weren't funny enough, her dying was just as (if not more) hilarious!

So here’s all the little things you need to know:
James Bond –Sean Connery
Tatiana Romanova  (The Bond Girl)- Daniela Bianchi (Voiced by Barbra Jefford)

Bernard Lee – M

Weapon of Choice
AR-7 folding snipers rifle, .25 calibre with an infrared telescopic sight. This is concealed inside a briefcase which also holds a flip knife, ammunition and a few other gadgets

Car of choice
Only appears briefly, but it is a Bently Mark IV

Quotes of Choice
None, because I wasn’t that inspired by any of them.

A Girls Guide to James Bond: Dr. No

 

Ladies (and Gentlemen?) let me introduce you the devilishly suave Sean Connery or better known in this context as Bond, James Bond. Set in Jamaica, this movie is filled with overly choreographed fight scenes and awkward phone calls, where you can just tell by the acting that there is no-one on the other side of that phone. The men are sophisticatedly dressed; their hair slicked back and coifed to perfection; and alcohol and cigars are in abundance. Welcome to the world of James Bond.

(For those playing at home, this is James Bond.)

So for a quick summary, I’ll break it down for you. I have to admit, I got lost within the first 20 minutes and started wondering what the hell was going on. Be aware at this point that if you actually want to watch the movie, I’m about to release a whole tone of spoilers. If however, you have no intention of watching the movie and you just want to impress people you know, keep reading.

First of all, there’s three guys at the beginning of the movie, walking along to a calypso version of three blind mice. Turns out they are actually assassins known as the three blind mice. Ingenious really.

So, the three blind mice kill a gentleman and this is where I got lost because as it turns out, he’s actually an agent which is why James Bond (007) is sent out to Jamaica (he has to go investigate…duh!).

Some hilarious fight scenes and talking happens. And then this:

Kudo’s to you Mr Bond because, I don’t know about my readers, but I would not stay that calm in the face of danger.

Another important thing to mention is the car. Everyone needs to know about the car! Unfortunately, the car in Dr. No is stock standard with no modifications or gadgets (if you’ve NEVER seen a James Bond Movie, I’ll let you know now – the gadgets thing becomes a pretty big deal!) For Dr. No, Bond drives a blue Sunbeam Alpine convertible.

And what a beautiful little car she is. Aside from my being a big sci-fi nerd and lover of literature, I have a soft spot for a decent looking automobile and this baby is definitely a stylish little lass.

Speaking of Ladies, lets not forget the Bond Women, because they also play an integral part (more or less). Now, various women appear in the first half of this movie, but the only one you really need to know about is Honey Ryder. What a name.

It’s at this point where I started wondering why everyone introduces themselves with their last names first. “Ryder, Honey Ryder”.

All the while this is happening, there is something more sinister going on. Because who really cares about a dead agent when there’s signals being blocked to American rockets.

And then, it is when Bond, Ryder and Dr. No are finally sitting down to a quaint little meal that we discover that Dr. No is planning on sabotaging the American rocket launch because he’s basically having a sook that everyone rejected him. I’m not kidding, read between the lines folks. Oh and by the way, what is with the giant mutant fish in the background? It’s hilarious just based on the distracting mutant fish.  Queue the capture of Bond and Honey Bee, I mean Ryder.

A whole bunch of boring things happen and Sean Connery James Bond gets free.

So then just as the Americans are trying to do their Rocket launch, Dr. No boots up his evil rocket-radio-signal blocking machine while wearing an outfit that gives bubble boy a run for his money.

Just in the nick of time, Bond steps in – sets off the reactor thus resulting in another fight scene and whole bunch bubble-people running for their lives! Whilst Dr. No is killed by being boiled to death after an altercation with our hero.

(The American Rocket launches without a hitch)

And everyone lives happily ever after.
 
Some more vital information
James Bond – Sean Connery
Honey Ryder – Ursula Andress

Dr. No - Joseph Wiseman

The movie was released in 1962 and it’s budget for filming was $1 million. It made $59.6 Million in the Box office.

Weapon of Choice (source)
Walther PPK 7.65 millimeter with a delivery like a brick through a plate-glass window, it takes a Brausch silencer with very little reduction in muzzle velocity...the American CIA swear by them.

Quotes
James Bond: Good evening, sir.
M: It happens to be 3 a.m.
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Dr. No: The Americans are fools. I offered my services, they refused. So did the East. Now they can both pay for their mistake.

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Miss Moneypenny: Flattery will get you nowhere - but don't stop trying.
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